Christmas break has been great! I've slept more than I have in a long time. Last night I pulled out some scrapbooking stuff. I have a lot to cetch up on. Tonight I am going to spend New Years Eve with a lot of old high school friends.

I find life strange. Some days I feel like I have confidence bursting out of me and others I am too self-conscious and lack confidence. I finally fully understand how you can have confidence in the wrong thing. Putting your confidence in just yourself could lead you too be selfish and thinking too highly of yourself, but confidence through the Lord or in the Lord is different. I always knew there was a difference, but I hadn't realized that sometimes I lean more towards selfish when I mean to lead towards what the Lord wants so now I have a better understanding of what I need to watch out for. I've been very bold and confident over stupid things and b/c I know (think) that I'm right, I can say it, but in because of that I'm actually wrong because really I don't know. I think maybe that is something I learned in Romans from Niccum because he talked about being right, yet really being wrong. I understood exactly what he meant. I may understand myself completely, but sometimes I can't figure out how explain myself to others, especially when there are too many emotions involved. Take for example I don't wear make-up and don't the normal appealing way American ladies are expected to and have gotten to the point to where I'm bitter at a few of my friends for constently lecturing me over it. I don't want to change. I know I would be beautiful, but I know that my reasons for not being traditional are more important than their reason to do them, but I don't know how word it ways that they will understand. The truth is everytime I even consider changing I have humongous guilt come over me. Wasing money on new clothes and make-up or jewelry becomes less important to me and I see it as a good thing. I decided that I could do little things for myself that I'll probably start trying to do such as straightening my hair. I now am a proud owner of a straightener. I went to the thrift store last week (yes, good will) and bought 3 shirts for $8 and 2 belts for $4 and I like them so I got my new clothes whatever out I guess. My point is, I don't like being hassled about that stuff because I don't think it's important, but I'm going to try to comprimise by doing little things that are cheap. I had a friend tell me a few weeks ago "You can afford to spend $150 on one suit." I guess she thinks since it's a one time purchase it's ok that it's expensive. I don't know what paycheck she thinks that's coming out of! But surely not my work study job that goes as soon as it comes.

New subject: I was talking to my dental hygenist at my apointment to get me teeth clean and was telling her about how I broke my foot in Rome this summer by waking up freaked out at night and jumping off the top bunk. She thought maybe I have seperation anxiety because I told her that I wake up paniced a lot and I started to notice that a lot of my sleeping problems happen when I am in a new environment. It even happens at home. This was actually the best semester sleeping-wise except the fact that it was mostly spent trying to stay awake. Maybe that's why I didn't notice any problems, lol. I haven't noticed any at home this break either and I've been sleeping a lot! I've been dreaming a lot, but that's probably b/c I've been sleeping too much. I don't think it's seperation anxiety though, now that I have thought about it. It started back in high school because I was constantly late to band in the mornnigs at school and I started waking up freaked out at night that I would wake up and jump out of bed freaking out sometimes tot he point of where I was yelling my moms name one time because usually she made sure I was awake before she left because I didn't understand why she didn't and then after I get dressed I finally would realize that it was 2am. Some nights it would happen every hour or 2 hours. For some reason it happens to me other times and I think it has to do with stress. I know I woke up in Rome and freaked out for a second because I thought everyone had left me. I was scared to death that I was all alone in that hostel. Anyways, I don't know if sharing my psychological strange problems on xanga is very smart, but oh well.

I'm trying to figure out my summer plans right now. Prayers that I can figure out a useful way to use the summer would be great.

It has been a thousand years since I have update this thing. Somehow it just seems like a good time to update it (you know, 3am when I should be doing homework).

I currently have a broken foot so that has been exciting. I broke it in Rome at the hostel when I woke up in the night panicked and jumped off the bed. Proof that I indeed have sleeping problems. I've actually been sleeping better than I have in a while since I've been at OC because I only get about 3 hours of sleep on average at night so when I actually get to lay down for long periods of time it's just marvelous.

This year is starting off ok I suppose. I'm very drained from the summer. I've had some hurtful situations happen and I am still dealing with the pain. I struggle with being bitter towards people when they have hurt me and the pain keeps reoccurring, but I know I have to be stronger and move on.

Albania was a wonderful place to be. I met a lot of amazing people there and I miss them. I had some terrible times in Albania as well, but I know that we go through trials to build perseverance right? Maybe it was just one of those situations.

Outreach has started and I'm very excited about Outreach this year. I think being an officer will help boost my excitement and on top of that, my work schedule is MUCH more compatible for actually attending service projects and stuff. I think it is going to be a great year. It will also help distract me from unwanted thoughts too and hopefully I will grow spiritually. I wish there was something or somewhere I could go or people I could see that I knew without a doubt they care about me and they truly care that I am growing spiritually and that I don't have pain in my life. The closest place I have is westwood right now, but I feel like close individuals are lacking. Maybe it's mostly my imagination, who knows.

Apparently I annoy some people. It hurts to have people tell you that and you know they won't be your friend for that reason and other reason's that don't even make sense at all. Maybe someday I'll let go.

My classes are half wonderful and difficult. I'm not understanding Structure of the English Language so right now I have been correcting my assignments. I haven't don't much for French or Linguistics so we'll see how those go. I love Romans and Personal and Family Finance. I made great Bible class choices this semester. I don't think my choices last semester were that wonderful, but who knew that's how it would be. The past few years Bible classes were pretty much what my schedule revolved around and after this semester I will only be able to fit a few in. I'm hoping I got most of the "must-takes" in and I won't work my whole schedule around them anymore. I won't graduate if I put off my major classes.

Have I ever mentioned that life terrifies me?? It sure does. I think with the Lord though, it should be ok.

I'm at work in the nowlin center right now. I almost slept through my class today which would be the second time this week. There is no daily work for the class, which I am thankful for b/c all my other classes have a ton of daily work and since this particular class is the only one I have on Tuesday and Thursdays, I'm able to get to sleep at a nice hour usually. It also makes it easy to forget about that class though, and really hard to go to when there's no quiz. I think the overall grade drops one letter after 2 absences and I have 2, sooooooo I should start going to class.

I did very well on my paper in Comm III! I got a 90! That class is going to kill me, but so far I'm doing alright!

Chruch got canselled last night, so did singing, and so did spring sing practice. If I had known better I would have either called it quit and just slept the night away starting at 6pm, which is kind of what happened anyways or worked on campaign stuff wihch is what I was suppose to do, but once I fell asleep, there was no waking up. I tried to wake myself up but I was pretty out of it. Until 10 pm and then I checked my email and I had got an email from Michael about working on letters. oops........

That's when I found out spring sing was cancelled. I tried calling Michael and emailed him, but no luck so I went back to sleep. I only got an hour of sleep the night before so I needed the sleep. I slept straight till class and then rolled out of bed and went in my pajamas b/c I  almost over slept again. It's a 9:30 class and you would think 15 hours of sleep would be enough......guess not.

So I really want to see my friends today since there was no church last night. I have  no classes the rest of the time either.

Hope all your week goes better!

Bri

I spent the night at a friends apartment last night. What I love about this friend is that I'm constantly questioning things. Mostly spiritual things, which is great, and it's usually things that I have absolutly no answer to.

I mentioned something about the way I dressed the other day. I wear mostly sweat pants, like everyday....and I was talking to a friend about it and she gave me a ton of advise of clothes and make up. I appreciate all the advise, but I'm not really sure if I want to change the way I look or if I even want to. People tell me I'm beautiful anyways, but why would my friends tell me otherwise? Thinking about it makes me realize the main reason I would dress nice is to look nice for other people. I like looking nice myself, but I have no motivation to change the way I look or to wear make up except that reason. I keep wondering if guys don't like me b/c I don't dress fancy like other girls, and my face is more plain because I don't wear make-up. Then I think some more and I go, "why would I want to date a guy that all of a sudden would like me if I wore make-up, when he didn't before?" I want guys to be attracted to me, but I wouldn't want it to be a desiding factor. I wouldn't want to date a guy that didn't take care of his appearances. Where do you draw the line between the two, deciding it's ok to dress up for other people, and deciding that it's shallow and materialistic reason's to dress up. Which one is worse?

I haven't updated at all since the semester has started! Things have been crazy! Over Chistmas break I got a job for 2 weeks. It was nice to not be bored all break. The last few days Thea came and visited me and that was a lot of fun.

I really like most of my classes this semester. I'm taking Spanish, I and II Timothy and Titus, Local church and missions, Comm III for English majors, and Biblical Exegesis. I was in church history, but I got into exegesis instead just today. I think I will find that class much more interesting.

Comm III I am a bit worried about though, even though it's gone alright so far. We haven't really turned anything in though. It just seriously doesn't feel right being in an English majors class.

I signed up to help out with the literacy program and I start today! Hopefully that will be fun.

Take care!